I was able to enjoy what was most likely the last good weather this past weekend. I did a quick 6 miler on Saturday evening and a 14 miler on Sunday late morning. The Sunday run was windy as hell and drizzled a little bit, but nothing too bad.
It's crazy to think there are only 3 months left in this year, with Casey already hitting the 4 month mark. Maybe it felt different with Megan because she was born in October and we had the long winter together. Or maybe I've just been too busy with work, running, or Megan. Whatever it might be, it feels like Casey is growing up dang fast. In Megan related news, she is totally excited to turn 4. For various reasons, she has it in her head that once she turns 4, she can go outside all by herself. She is always talking about things she will be able to do when she is bigger. It's fun to hear her get so excited for the future.
I've been thinking a lot lately about that very topic. The future. About goals and aspirations. About home life, personal life, family life, work life. The pieces of the puzzle are constantly in flux, and just when I start to solidify a picture, something will come along to jumble it all up again. But one question has been rising to the top of "Shawn's bag of questions" more often recently. What kind of Father do I want to be?
So far, I've been surviving on the default approach. Love, caring, and support. They are pretty safe bets, and if you do nothing else, you're probably doing okay if you stick to those basic needs. And when you're almost 4 year old looks up and you and tells you for the first time, "You are the best Daddy ever." you have to assume you are doing SOMETHING right.
But love, caring, and support only go so far. Kids need teachers. They also need limits and boundaries. Things I absolutely suck at. Megan's asleep on the couch next to me, because it's easier than dealing with forcing her back in her room. Is it not that big of a deal, or will it come back to haunt me when she is 13 and trying to walk all over me?
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Regularly Scheduled
Been a pretty good week. Nothing spectacular, but nothing overly stressful either. Probably the most stressful thing right now is that Casey has a bad cold which Megan also just got. This has made for some rough sleeping nights and grumpy day time. I'm just waiting for it to turn into ear infections...
Although I haven't been worried about work much this week, I have been thinking about it. Thinking about my place in the machine and all that. I have grandiose ideas, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never do anything with them. For various reasons, not the least of which is, I'm more or less convinced I wouldn't get the recognition (and compensation) I would deserve. But earlier this week, I had a crazy work dream. I dreamt I was in a meeting that was so pointless, I just had to say "This is stupid" and walk out of the meeting. That exact meeting, with all the players from the dream, took place today. Weird huh? Only difference is I didn't walk out, I suffered through it.
I'm still not looking forward to being forced indoors, so I'm going to try and enjoy as many runs these last few weeks as I can handle. Last night I wussed out due to being tired (I went to bed at 8:30pm I was so tired!!). But I've been pushing out some hard miles. I'd say there's a greater than 50% chance I'm going to do the half marathon race on Halloween.
Although I haven't been worried about work much this week, I have been thinking about it. Thinking about my place in the machine and all that. I have grandiose ideas, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never do anything with them. For various reasons, not the least of which is, I'm more or less convinced I wouldn't get the recognition (and compensation) I would deserve. But earlier this week, I had a crazy work dream. I dreamt I was in a meeting that was so pointless, I just had to say "This is stupid" and walk out of the meeting. That exact meeting, with all the players from the dream, took place today. Weird huh? Only difference is I didn't walk out, I suffered through it.
I'm still not looking forward to being forced indoors, so I'm going to try and enjoy as many runs these last few weeks as I can handle. Last night I wussed out due to being tired (I went to bed at 8:30pm I was so tired!!). But I've been pushing out some hard miles. I'd say there's a greater than 50% chance I'm going to do the half marathon race on Halloween.
Monday, September 21, 2009
End of Summer
With the crappy race and my general mood of last week, I didn't have much hopes for the weekend. In fact, Friday night I went for a "run" that could hardly qualify as such. I was just so mentally beat that I even stopped to walk a few times, and only managed few miles. Ugh, bleh, and general blah.
Saturday rolls around and we do some basic stuff. Megan at dance class followed up by a quick (and hot) afternoon birthday party with visit to grandmas as well. We were sorta all over. But Saturday evening I was able to sneak away and spend some time with a good friend and catch a movie.
That evening with my friend basically flipped my entire weekend around, for a few reasons. You see, my friend is going through some incredibly tough shit. Stuff that, in my humble opinion, would just destroy someone. And in a way, that's exactly what happened. I had been getting glimpses of what was going on over the last year, but it wasn't until this weekend that I got the whole picture.
Part of me was just so completely saddened to hear all the ways that life was essentially kicking his ass. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, life found ways to kick him while he was down. Another part of me was disappointed in myself as a friend. Shouldn't I have seen this? Wouldn't a better friend have made time to realize what was going on? Is this another side effect of being too wrapped up in my own life?
One last part of me also started to realize how good life HAS been to me, and how quickly it can all change. Maybe I'm just insanely lucky. Maybe my "plan for the worst" approach has some merit. I might be overly pessimistic, but in this day, can you afford not to be?
Sunday morning I took all that jumble of stuff and ran it out. No more complaining, no more whining, no more blahs. If life is going to continue to beat up on my family, my friends, and everyone I love and care about, then the last thing I'm going to do is let it beat up on me too. If you dig deep, and push hard enough, sometimes you can surprise yourself and find just a little more.
Saturday rolls around and we do some basic stuff. Megan at dance class followed up by a quick (and hot) afternoon birthday party with visit to grandmas as well. We were sorta all over. But Saturday evening I was able to sneak away and spend some time with a good friend and catch a movie.
That evening with my friend basically flipped my entire weekend around, for a few reasons. You see, my friend is going through some incredibly tough shit. Stuff that, in my humble opinion, would just destroy someone. And in a way, that's exactly what happened. I had been getting glimpses of what was going on over the last year, but it wasn't until this weekend that I got the whole picture.
Part of me was just so completely saddened to hear all the ways that life was essentially kicking his ass. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, life found ways to kick him while he was down. Another part of me was disappointed in myself as a friend. Shouldn't I have seen this? Wouldn't a better friend have made time to realize what was going on? Is this another side effect of being too wrapped up in my own life?
One last part of me also started to realize how good life HAS been to me, and how quickly it can all change. Maybe I'm just insanely lucky. Maybe my "plan for the worst" approach has some merit. I might be overly pessimistic, but in this day, can you afford not to be?
Sunday morning I took all that jumble of stuff and ran it out. No more complaining, no more whining, no more blahs. If life is going to continue to beat up on my family, my friends, and everyone I love and care about, then the last thing I'm going to do is let it beat up on me too. If you dig deep, and push hard enough, sometimes you can surprise yourself and find just a little more.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Dark Moods
With October right around the corner, my self diagnosed minor case of Seasonal Affective Disorder seems to be kicking in. Funny thing is, it hit me in April too, I just had too much stuff going on to realize it at the time. I like to think that it has a lot to do with being trapped inside for a few months with no running, but who knows. Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep.
I was watching Megan and our neighbors kids jumping on the trampoline tonight, and my neighbor comes over and asks, "Is everything okay?". I assumed he was referring to the kids, and of course, everything was fine. But perhaps he just happened to notice me in one of my brooding states (and if he reads this, maybe he'll let me know which it was ☺).
We also had another conversation, which for various reasons, included him asking me what I thought the purpose of life was. At first I was taken a little off guard. It's not too often someone goes there. In fact, I honestly can't recall the last time someone just straight up asked me that. I tried to articulate an answer, but that's tough to do in 60 seconds, and his youngest was crying for Daddy to come inside. Fast food philosophy, deep thoughts in a minute or less or you're next question is free! Oh the challenges of parenting.
It did get me thinking though, about how much I missed discussing/thinking about deeper things, and how nice it would be to just have long talks about those things in life that you don't talk about much. Am I alone in my peers, not having a defined purpose? Am I weird for thinking the "search for purpose" is something that should never stop until the day you die? Do all 30 somethings around me have it all figured out, with a clearly defined since of purpose, that somehow I passed up because of my life choices and life views?
I was also reminded that at one point, I had high hopes that my blog would be an outlet for deep thought. I've attempted to from time to time, but it always either comes out wrong, negative, or as rants. There has got to be a middle ground where I can still "vent" about things that piss me off, but also share other things I think about from time to time. Maybe I'll work on that for October...
I was watching Megan and our neighbors kids jumping on the trampoline tonight, and my neighbor comes over and asks, "Is everything okay?". I assumed he was referring to the kids, and of course, everything was fine. But perhaps he just happened to notice me in one of my brooding states (and if he reads this, maybe he'll let me know which it was ☺).
We also had another conversation, which for various reasons, included him asking me what I thought the purpose of life was. At first I was taken a little off guard. It's not too often someone goes there. In fact, I honestly can't recall the last time someone just straight up asked me that. I tried to articulate an answer, but that's tough to do in 60 seconds, and his youngest was crying for Daddy to come inside. Fast food philosophy, deep thoughts in a minute or less or you're next question is free! Oh the challenges of parenting.
It did get me thinking though, about how much I missed discussing/thinking about deeper things, and how nice it would be to just have long talks about those things in life that you don't talk about much. Am I alone in my peers, not having a defined purpose? Am I weird for thinking the "search for purpose" is something that should never stop until the day you die? Do all 30 somethings around me have it all figured out, with a clearly defined since of purpose, that somehow I passed up because of my life choices and life views?
I was also reminded that at one point, I had high hopes that my blog would be an outlet for deep thought. I've attempted to from time to time, but it always either comes out wrong, negative, or as rants. There has got to be a middle ground where I can still "vent" about things that piss me off, but also share other things I think about from time to time. Maybe I'll work on that for October...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Monday Already?
After a few 3 day weekends, the whole 2 day weekend just doesn't seem like enough. I wanna say there was something blog worthy last week, but time just snuck away from me. Of course, the new computer doesn't help matters. Squeezing in the time for video games has got to take time from something. I bought a new game on Friday - I've installed it, but not even started it once yet.
On the work front, I'm predicting that the next 4-5 months will be "interesting". And when I say "interesting" I mean, even if a bunch of things that are currently in motion go "well", there is still a large chance of fail. The thing that will be interesting, is to see how that fail plays itself out. Who will point fingers? Where will the blame fall? Will there be a shake-up or will we just move on?
As for running, I just had my last race of the year today. The long cold winter and loss of motivation is going to set in soon enough, but I should be able to get in at least a few more weeks of outdoor running. Last year, my last race ended on a high note. This year ended on a flop.
I set out with a goal pace of under 7:30, and I achieved that. Offical time has me at 7:27 pace, my watch was 7:22 pace. But overall, it was just a bad race. There were a few possbile contributing factors. I maybe didn't eat/fuel correctly yesterday. Maybe the humidity/heat got to me in the later half of the race. Perhaps I started too fast for a 25k race. Whatever it was, although I achieved my goal, mentally I did not. My per-mile pace tells the story:
I essentially ran two races. The first half of the race where I was feeling good, going strong with a 7 minute pace. I wasn't worried about keeping up the 7 minute pace the entire time, I figured maybe midway I'd slow it down to 7:15s (which I did). However, shortly after mile 9, things just fell apart. I just had no energy, I had nothing to dig into, and I wanted to quit more than any race I've ever done. Mentally I had basically given up. Every time someone passed me, instead of trying to keep pace, I just fell farther behind. It took every ounce of will power just to maintain sub 8s.
I'm honestly not sure I can end this year with this race. I might have to cough up some dough and end on the same race I ended with last year: the Monster Dash Half Marathon . $65 dollars is a lot to pay just for my bruised ego.
On the work front, I'm predicting that the next 4-5 months will be "interesting". And when I say "interesting" I mean, even if a bunch of things that are currently in motion go "well", there is still a large chance of fail. The thing that will be interesting, is to see how that fail plays itself out. Who will point fingers? Where will the blame fall? Will there be a shake-up or will we just move on?
As for running, I just had my last race of the year today. The long cold winter and loss of motivation is going to set in soon enough, but I should be able to get in at least a few more weeks of outdoor running. Last year, my last race ended on a high note. This year ended on a flop.
I set out with a goal pace of under 7:30, and I achieved that. Offical time has me at 7:27 pace, my watch was 7:22 pace. But overall, it was just a bad race. There were a few possbile contributing factors. I maybe didn't eat/fuel correctly yesterday. Maybe the humidity/heat got to me in the later half of the race. Perhaps I started too fast for a 25k race. Whatever it was, although I achieved my goal, mentally I did not. My per-mile pace tells the story:
I essentially ran two races. The first half of the race where I was feeling good, going strong with a 7 minute pace. I wasn't worried about keeping up the 7 minute pace the entire time, I figured maybe midway I'd slow it down to 7:15s (which I did). However, shortly after mile 9, things just fell apart. I just had no energy, I had nothing to dig into, and I wanted to quit more than any race I've ever done. Mentally I had basically given up. Every time someone passed me, instead of trying to keep pace, I just fell farther behind. It took every ounce of will power just to maintain sub 8s.
I'm honestly not sure I can end this year with this race. I might have to cough up some dough and end on the same race I ended with last year: the Monster Dash Half Marathon . $65 dollars is a lot to pay just for my bruised ego.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Labor... dang
Over already... that was fast. The weekend was weird, but good. Saturday Andrea and the girls went to visit her parents. I stayed home simply because my new computer was slated to arrive on Saturday and someone had to be here to sign for it. I spent all day doing house work (laundry, dishes, grocery shopping) and getting the computer desks ready. This mainly consisted of finding a place for a 19" inch CRT monitor and buying some new screws to reattach a busted keyboard tray that Megan broke off a few months ago.
The computer finally arrived at 4:45pm, and I immediately got a 7.5 mile run in. Got back home at 6pm, showered and started setting things up. I got about 30-45 minutes of "What is this Windows Vista crap?" before everyone got home. Didn't have much time to get anything set up.
Sunday I squeezed in a little more time and got the one game I bought setup - Mass Effect. It's a kick ass game and I'm going to have fun playing through it multiple times (at least twice for sure) in preperation for Mass Effect 2, due out Q1 2010.
Monday I shifted gears and made sure I kept running a priority with a solid 18 mile run. The funny part was that I was passed while running by my friend Steve on his bike. Although we follow each other on our blogs, it was nice to catch up in person. He stayed with me for a few miles, prompting me to run a little harder so he didn't have to go so slow on his bike. Can you tell what part of the run he was with me? :-)
Grandma Gayle took Megan swimming Monday morning and was gracious enough to extend her time with Megan into the afternoon. This gave me a little more time to play on the new computer and I got a few misc applications setup, more system tweaks and learning how crazy Windows Vista is. I'm not gonna bother learning much more about Vista, since I'll be getting the free Windows 7 upgrade when it is released, which I think is as early as late October?
Sorry for the rambling, somewhat tech related post. Just not much else to update on!
The computer finally arrived at 4:45pm, and I immediately got a 7.5 mile run in. Got back home at 6pm, showered and started setting things up. I got about 30-45 minutes of "What is this Windows Vista crap?" before everyone got home. Didn't have much time to get anything set up.
Sunday I squeezed in a little more time and got the one game I bought setup - Mass Effect. It's a kick ass game and I'm going to have fun playing through it multiple times (at least twice for sure) in preperation for Mass Effect 2, due out Q1 2010.
Monday I shifted gears and made sure I kept running a priority with a solid 18 mile run. The funny part was that I was passed while running by my friend Steve on his bike. Although we follow each other on our blogs, it was nice to catch up in person. He stayed with me for a few miles, prompting me to run a little harder so he didn't have to go so slow on his bike. Can you tell what part of the run he was with me? :-)
Grandma Gayle took Megan swimming Monday morning and was gracious enough to extend her time with Megan into the afternoon. This gave me a little more time to play on the new computer and I got a few misc applications setup, more system tweaks and learning how crazy Windows Vista is. I'm not gonna bother learning much more about Vista, since I'll be getting the free Windows 7 upgrade when it is released, which I think is as early as late October?
Sorry for the rambling, somewhat tech related post. Just not much else to update on!
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Order has shipped!
I got an email yesterday that my new Dell PC was going to be delayed by a week, putting the delivery 2 weeks out. I was a little dissapointed... But that is nothing compared to when I bought my Alienware. I put the purchase in for my Alienware in on June 6th, 2004 and it didn't ship until July 23rd, almost 2 full months later.
Then I got another email today saying the computer has shipped and will be here Saturday! Isn't it funny how much BETTER news is when it contradicts previously bad news?
Yes, that is the big news - I bought a new PC. My current PC is now offically past it's prime, being over 5 years old. Not a bad run, and honestly, it can still run some of the mildly older games decently (2007ish). It just falls short on all the new games due to Shader Model 3.0. I paid more for my Alienware then I had ever paid for any computer previous. However, it did include a DOPE purple paint job, matching purple keyboard and mouse, a HUGE 21" inch CRT monitor, and a 5.1 speaker set.
When I told Andrea earlier this year I had my sights set on the possibility of upgrading this year, she wasn't all that supportive. With too many unknown factors, costs associated with Casey and our other financial goals, I understood. So we agreed that I could put it off until next year.
Well, part of that whole decision was an assumption Andrea had that a new PC meant another Alienware type investment. Out of the blue the other day, she asked me how much a new PC would cost me, and when I told her what it would be (a third of the cost of my Alienware), it didn't seem all that big of a deal. So she gave the green light, and I went for it!
I think I got a decent deal, my brother tells me it's a hell of a lot of computer for the price. It even comes with an SLI video card setup, 2gig total video memory. And they were also running a 40% off all monitors sale, so I picked up a 24" inch flat panel for $200 bucks. Not too shabby.
I've already made list of 19 different games I want to purchase, only 3 of which are available now. The rest are all future releases. The sad part is, the total cost of all the games I want is almost equivalent to the entire PC purchase.
The only question now is, can I handle this new machine and keep a good balance between family, running, work, and gaming?
Then I got another email today saying the computer has shipped and will be here Saturday! Isn't it funny how much BETTER news is when it contradicts previously bad news?
Yes, that is the big news - I bought a new PC. My current PC is now offically past it's prime, being over 5 years old. Not a bad run, and honestly, it can still run some of the mildly older games decently (2007ish). It just falls short on all the new games due to Shader Model 3.0. I paid more for my Alienware then I had ever paid for any computer previous. However, it did include a DOPE purple paint job, matching purple keyboard and mouse, a HUGE 21" inch CRT monitor, and a 5.1 speaker set.
When I told Andrea earlier this year I had my sights set on the possibility of upgrading this year, she wasn't all that supportive. With too many unknown factors, costs associated with Casey and our other financial goals, I understood. So we agreed that I could put it off until next year.
Well, part of that whole decision was an assumption Andrea had that a new PC meant another Alienware type investment. Out of the blue the other day, she asked me how much a new PC would cost me, and when I told her what it would be (a third of the cost of my Alienware), it didn't seem all that big of a deal. So she gave the green light, and I went for it!
I think I got a decent deal, my brother tells me it's a hell of a lot of computer for the price. It even comes with an SLI video card setup, 2gig total video memory. And they were also running a 40% off all monitors sale, so I picked up a 24" inch flat panel for $200 bucks. Not too shabby.
I've already made list of 19 different games I want to purchase, only 3 of which are available now. The rest are all future releases. The sad part is, the total cost of all the games I want is almost equivalent to the entire PC purchase.
The only question now is, can I handle this new machine and keep a good balance between family, running, work, and gaming?
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