Passion

I am a naive and small-minded individual. I don't watch the news, I don't read the paper. I have little interest in world affairs, or even local ones for that matter. Unless they directly affect my day to day life. My reality doesn't extend much beyond my own front door. I don't think I've ever seen the "bigger picture", and I doubt I'd be able to find it if I looked.

I have no thirst for life. I am not excited to get up every morning and face the challenges of the day. I have no sense of adventure. I do not go out of my way to seek out new life experiences. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say I try to avoid them in some ways. Now, one could argue that Megan invalidates all that - she is by definition one of life's biggest adventures. And that is true, and for that I am grateful. Is she the only adventure I need?

I have nothing wholly my own that I am passionate about. What I mean by this is two things. One, video games cannot be considered a passion. Second, I don't think a separate person can be defined as a passion. As much as I love Andrea and Megan with all my heart, I don't define them as a "passion" in the true sense of the word.

To quote the most famous of movies, "You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care." Where does this apathy come from? Did I create this in my life, or did my life create it in me? Do all these traits make me a bad person? A boring person? An uninteresting individual with nothing really worthwhile to add? Can I change these apathetic qualities in myself? Do I even want to?

Andrea once told me, she read somewhere that most 20-somethings try a lot of different things to figure out what it is they really want/enjoy/are passionate about. Did I skip that whole phase through a drunken-Everquest-working induced haze?

The truth is, none of these questions even matter. There is only one question in my mind that really matters right now. How will these traits translate to Megan as she grows up? I feel like Darth Vader, when he tells Luke that it's too late for him. It feels like I've gone too far down the apathetic path of life (Dark Side) to change... I can't simply WILL myself to start caring about dying kids in Africa, the war in Iraq, or who's running for office in Minnesota.

Can I instill a thirst for life in Megan, when I don't feel like I have that myself? Can I encourage her to become passionate about the things she enjoys, when I'm not sure I even do that for myself? Can I teach her that there are important things in life, beyond our own immediate needs and desires, when I don't know if I truly believe that? Do I really have any control over these things, or does it not even matter? I just don't know.

As a parting word on today's post, I would like to assure my readers that the above post has nothing to do with happiness. In my mind, happiness and apathy are two completely unrelated topics. I'd expand more on what I mean, but this post is already getting out of hand so I'll just have to bank that for another day.

And finally, I encourage everyone to ask yourself: What is your passion?